Biker Bits

Have you heard any good ones lately.. gut busters... rib shakers... or you've laughed so much you almost puked...? Why not send them in and share with the rest of us... you can sent thru by clicking here..!

Just Say NO!

A ten year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle, pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?"

"No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking.  The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says, "Hey kid,, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back"

"NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride."

At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so YOU ride it!!

Helping out an old girl..!?

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up acouple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told himshe was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says, "Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

Bad Biker Pick-up Lines

Pick-up lines you might want to avoid using at the local biker bar!

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.

7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.

9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?

11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

13. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?

14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

17. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.

23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.

24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

28. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

29. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

No Fear

One Sunday an old biker walks into church and sits down in the front row. As the preacher is beginning his sermon, the devil suddenly appears at the altar. The members of the congregation, including the preacher himself, flee the church in terror, all except for this one old biker in the front row.

The devil notices this one biker still in the church and walks down from the altar to confront him. He roars at the man, "Do you know who I am?"

"Why of course I know who you are," the man calmly replies. "You're Satan."

"And you're not afraid of me like the others?" the devil asks somewhat miffed.

To which the biker replies, "No. Why should I be? I've been married to your sister for the last 25 years."

At the Pearly Gates

A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young Sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of the lot of ya's!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

Why "Dear Abby" doesn't publish letters from men !
Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife.

I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

(signed)
Perplexed and Confused

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike,the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

One Wish !
A man riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The old biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy"

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

The Drunk and the Biker
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He Gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good - the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says "Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"

“A BIKER DRINKING STORY”

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a biker bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a drunken biker leaving the bar so drunk that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes as the officer quietly observed from a distance.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys in five different motorcycles, the man finally managed to find his own.

He sat on it for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar, cranked up their bikes and took off. The policeman continued to observe.

Finally the drunk tried to kick start his bike and damn near fell off.

Eventually he got it started, turned on his hazard lights, hit the horn a few times, popped it into gear and did a little rooster tail before getting it stopped again. He remained stationary for a few minutes longer, as several more patrons left on their bikes.

At last the drunk turned his hazard lights off, his head light on,

Slowly pulled out of the parking lot and started riding carefully down the street.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing red and blue lights, and promptly pulled the biker over. He insisted the biker take a breathalyzer test, but to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” said the biker. “Tonight I’m the DESIGNATED DECOY.”

Mechanic Vs Surgeon
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage,

Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in. When I finish, it works just like new. "

"So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same job?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running"

Top Ten Reasons Why Gold Wing Riders Don't Wave Back
10. - Wasn't sure whether other rider was waving or making an obscene gesture.

9. - Afraid might get frostbite if hand is removed from heated grip.

8. - Has arthritis and the past 40 miles have made it difficult to raise arm.

7. - Reflection from etched windshield momentarily blinded him.

6. - The on board espresso machine just finished.

5. - Was actually asleep when other rider waved.

4. - Was in a three-way conference call with stock broker and accessories dealer.

3. - Was distracted by odd shaped blip on radar screen.

2. - Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, driver air bag pressure, seat temperature, satellite navigation system and his Blackberry Internet connection.

1. - Couldn't find the "auto wave back" button on the dashboard.

Top Ten Reasons Why Sport Bike Riders Don't Wave Back
10. - They have not been riding long enough to know they're supposed to.

9. - They're going too fast to have time enough to register the movement and respond.

8. - You weren't wearing bright enough gear.

7. - If they stick their arm out going that fast they'll rip it out of the socket.

6. - They're too occupied with trying to get rid of their chicken strips.

5. - They look way to cool with both hands on the bars or they don't want to unbalance themselves whilst standing on the tank.

4. - Their skin tight kevlar ballistic nylon kangaroo leather suits prevent any position other than foetal.

3. - Raising an arm allows bugs in to the arm holes of their tank tops.

2. - It's too hard to do one handed stoppies.

1. - They were too busy slipping their flip flops back on.

Top Ten Reasons Why BMW Riders Don't Wave Back
10. - New Aerostich suit too stiff to raise arm.

9. - Removing a hand from the bars is considered "Bad Form"..

8. - Your bike isn't weird enough looking to justify acknowledgement.

7. - Too sore from an 800Klm day on a stock "comfort" seat..

6. - Too busy programming the GPS, monitoring radar, listening to ipod, XM or talking on the cell phone..

5. - He's an Iron Butt rider and you're not!.

4. - Wires from Gerbings are too short.

3. - You're not riding the "right kind" of BMW..

2. - You haven't been properly introduced.

1. - Afraid it will be misinterpreted as a friendly gesture.