Bloke Jokes

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

  • If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
  • If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, D!ckhead and Sh!t for Brains.

EATING OUT

  • When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
  • When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

  • A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
  • A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

  • A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
  • The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

  • A woman has the last word in any argument.
  • Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

  • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
  • A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

  • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
  • A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

  • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
  • A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

  • A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
  • A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

  • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
  • Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

  • Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
  • A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Top 25 - Things we all should be hearing from our wives and girlfriends..!!!

1.) I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.

2.) Are you sure you've had enough to drink? Can I get you another beer?

3.) I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!

4.) Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and …..have my friend Tammy over for a threesome.

5.) God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

6.) I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again.

7.) You're so sexy when you're hungover.

8.) I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go Shopping.

9.) Let's subscribe to Hustler.

10.) Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

11.) Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.

12.) I'll be out in the garage changing the oil on the bike for you.

13.) I love it when you go riding on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to ride on Saturday.

14.) Honey..our new neighbor is sunbathing nude again, come see!

15.) I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house & just wear only my chaps.

16.) No, No, don't take the car to have the oil changed, I'll do it.

17.) Your mother did a great job raising you.

18.) Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new stuff for your Harley.

19.) I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. You go riding with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.

20.) Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

21.) Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!

22.) Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and ride cross country with your biker buddies.

23.) You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

24.) That was a great fart! Do another one!

25.) Honey, I just enrolled myself in yoga classes to learn how to put my legs behind my neck. Only for you sweetheart.



The Man Rules
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one!

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 


How To Shower Like a Woman
* Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

* Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

* If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

* Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc..

* Get in the shower.
* Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

* Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

* Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

*Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

* Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

* Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

* Rinse conditioner off hair.

* Shave armpits and legs.

* Turn off shower.

* Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

* Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

* Get out of shower.

* Dry with towel the size of a small country.

* Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

* Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

* If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
* Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

* Walk naked to the bathroom.

* If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

* Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

* Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum..

* Get in the shower.

* Wash your face.

* Wash your armpits.

* Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

* Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

* Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

* Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

* Wash your hair.

* Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

* Wee.

* Rinse off and get out of shower.

* Partially dry off.

* Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

* Admire willy size in mirror again.

* Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

* Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

* If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

* Throw wet towel on bed.

 

 

Symptom

Fault

Action

Feet cold and wet.

Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Feet warm and wet.

Improper bladder control.

Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Drink unusually pale and tasteless.

Glass empty.

Get someone to buy you another drink.

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

You have fallen over backward.

Have yourself lashed to bar.

Mouth contains cigarette butts.

You have fallen forward.

See above.

Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

Mouth not open or glass applied to wrong part of face.

Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Floor blurred.

You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

Get someone to buy you another drink.

Floor moving.

You are being carried out.

Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Room seems unusually dark.

Bar has closed.

Confirm home address with bartender.

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.

Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

Cover mouth.

Everyone looks up to you and smiles.

You are dancing on the table.

Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

Drink is crystal-clear.

It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.

Punch him.

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.

You have been in a fight.

Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Don't recognise anyone, don't recognise the room you're in.

You've wandered into the wrong party.

See if they have free alcohol.

Your singing sounds distorted.

The drink is too weak.

Have more alcohol until your voice improves.

Don't remember the words to the song.

Drink is just right.

Play air guitar.

 

More Bloke Jokes...!?

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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

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THINGS THAT ARE "DIFFICULT" TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

  • Innovative
  • Preliminary
  • Anaesthetist
  • Cinnamon
  • Chrysanthemum

THINGS THAT ARE "VERY DIFFICULT" TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

  • Specificity
  • Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
  • Anti-constitutionalistically
  • Transubstantiate
  • Sphygmomanometer

THINGS THAT ARE "DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE" TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

  • Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
  • Nope, no more booze for me.
  • Sorry, but you're not really my type.
  • Mac Donalds? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
  • Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
  • Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
  • I'm not interested in fighting you.
  • Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
  • Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street.
  • I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

 

 

Woman explained by Engineers